By |

Heavyweight boxer Andy Ruiz defeated Chris Arreola Saturday night, via a 12-round unanimous decision. Ruiz delivered more punches to an Arreola than Ronda Rousey did in her entire career.

A SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule made the first nighttime splashdown carrying U.S. astronauts since 1968. Police were called to the residence of a terrified homeowner to assist getting them out of his pool.

The NFL Draft concluded, with over 12 hours of live coverage spanning three days. To satisfy fans’ need to see names and pictures of athletes they’ve never heard of, this weekend Lifetime will air three days of 32 hot women picking men on Tinder.

A 39-year-old Colorado woman walking her two dogs was attacked and killed by a bear. The two dogs survived and called their owner “not as fast as us”.

Budweiser is offering a free beer to anyone providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination. Budweiser is also the Official Beer of COVID-19 Victims who lost their senses of taste & smell.

Medina Spirit won the Kentucky Derby, finishing ahead of socially-distanced second-place Mandaloun.

The CDC is claiming anxiety, not the contents of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, caused adverse reactions to recipients. They cited dozens of anxious people who suffered blood clots watching ‘Godzilla vs Kong’.

A dozen people were injured when an outdoor deck collapsed as 40 people posed for a photo at Tennessee’s Soddy Daisy restaurant. 28 people asked if they could take the picture again.

Dcorey Johnson, a 3rd grader at a Louisville elementary school, is a viral sensation thanks to his singing the Star Spangled Banner during morning announcements. However, a dozen kindergartners are kneeling during the anthem to protest the lousy food at snack time.

Max Hodak, co-founder of brain-implant company Neuralink, resigned from the company. Then the other co-founder, Elon Musk, flipped a switch and Hodak changed his mind.

By |

A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

By |

Camden, Arkansas police officer LC ‘Buckshot’ Smith is 91 years old and has no plans to retire. He drives an unmarked police car, or at least that’s what they told him after they took the Paw Patrol decals off of it.

Wheel of Fortune’s Pat Sajak may have made a suggestive remark when a woman asked for a ‘D’ during the show, replying “she wants a D and she’s going to get one”. Sajak defended his comment, since she solved the puzzle: I WANT THAT DICK.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic and his husband are getting a divorce after three years of marriage, citing Joe’s imprisonment and the inability to have conjungle visits.

A new study reports wine tasters give higher ratings to wine if they’ve been told it costs more. The research followed 200 hoboes, half of whom were told Thunderbird cost $4 instead of $2.

The Ever Given, a freight ship stuck in the Suez Canal for days, was finally freed by a high tide. However, several smaller ships drowned in the subsequent rip current.

Research following 20,000 adults aged 20 & over finds frequent consumption of restaurant meals increases the likelihood of early death. And by ‘early death’ they mean Wendy’s & McDonald’s breakfast.

A serial killer on Indiana’s death row died of brain cancer in a hospital. His doctors were unsuccessful treating him with 2,500 volts of radiation.

A researcher used an artificial intelligence text-generating tool to write pickup lines. Most are terrible, but some are good enough that manufacturers are making talking vibrators.

When the NFL Draft starts on April 29th, consensus #1 pick Trevor Lawrence won’t be there in person. Lawrence will watch at home, as will many other top picks once they remember it’s happening in Cleveland.

Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening Dick’s House of Sports in Rochester, NY – billed as their first “experiential, hands-on” store. Staff turnover has been challenging due to the nonstop procession of shoppers asking if “this is the hands-on Dicks. “

By |

Following a racially-charged argument between co-hosts Sharon Osbourne and Sheryl Underwood, ‘The Talk’ is on temporary hiatus, and will be replaced with ‘The Awkward Interracial Silence’.

Soleil Moon Frye, better known as ‘Punky Brewster’ revealed in her new documentary ‘Kid 90’ that she lost her virginity at age 18 to then-29-year-old Charlie Sheen. She described the encounter as ‘magical’, because she somehow didn’t contract herpes.

Facebook will pay news outlets to display their content in Australia. However, they’ve yet to agree to terms to pay Australian moms for gossip about who’s cheating on who.

Calls are growing for Donald Trump to urge his skeptical supporters to get a COVID-19 vaccine, since he’s been vaccinated. Calls are also growing for Trump to jump off a bridge, for the obvious good example that will set among his followers.

TIME Magazine features trans actor Elliot [formerly Ellen] Page on the cover. In a profile article, Elliot said he had his breasts removed, which has ‘transformed his life’ while ‘severely dropping his bench press’.

Tiger Woods signed a new deal with game publisher 2K to appear in their PGA Tour video game series. You’ll be able to play as Tiger, meaning you can drive into the rough and miss the entire season.

Trevor Lawrence, expected to be selected first overall in the NFL Draft, traveled to Las Vegas for a bachelor party ahead of his April wedding. There, he watched film of strippers before making his draft picks for the party.

Katrina Parrott, an African-American woman who invented diverse skin tones for emoji, is suing Apple for stealing her idea. She’s angry enough to have developed a new reddish-black tone.

For the first time, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences nominated two women to lose the Oscar to one of three men in the Best Director category.

Scientists used 3D sound mapping to unlock the secret of why hummingbirds hum. Long story short, all that flapping makes it hard to hold a note.

By |

Russian long-jump silver medalist Darya Klishina revealed she was offered $300,000 a month to become an escort. Klishina declined the offer, and the guy said he’d try his luck with the pole vaulters.

Classic video game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater will be rereleased and feature the skate pros at their current ages. The boards will have walkers on the front of them.

At age 13, Isabella Rose Taylor became the youngest fashion designer to have a clothing line at Nordstrom. She’s so young, any guy caught removing one of her dresses from a date faced felony charges.

Ikea released designs for making forts out of their furniture and accessories, leading to dozens of parents suing Ikea after the forts fell on their kids.

Actress and married mom Megan Fox was spotted riding in a car with rapper Machine Gun Kelly, leading to speculation she may be leaving her husband, Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Pea Shooter Green.

A man drove 600 miles from Olympia, Washington to Sacramento, California to get a haircut. By the time he arrived home, he was back on the road for a trim.

Justin Bieber said he wishes he “saved himself” for his wife, Hailey Bieber – but admits that he “spent himself” a thousand or so times.

Buffalo Bills draft pick A.J. Epenesa, a defensive lineman out of Iowa, said that “Buffalo is a lot like Iowa”…insulting both Buffalo, and Iowa.

The NFL is considering awarding improved draft position to teams that hire minority coaching candidates. All 32 teams responded by promoting black athletes to Player/Coach.

PGA superstar Rory McIlroy said that he won’t play golf with Donald Trump again. Trump immediately replied that McIlroy is just angry because he lost.

 

By |

Advocates for the disabled say that Spirit Airlines is leading the way with wide aisles and wheelchair-accessible lavatories. Fully-abled passengers aren’t as happy, since Spirit keeps putting wheelchair passengers in window seats.

Alanis Morissette said she’s going through early stages of menopause while breastfeeding. The hot flashes are so bad, her baby has to blow on the milk.

ESPN apologized for an on-air graphic shown during the NFL Draft. As the Cincinnati Bengals selected WR Tee Higgins, the graphic read that Higgins’ mom fought drug addiction for 16 years.  The New York Giants then selected Tee Higgins’ mom.

A family dog in North Carolina tested positive for coronavirus. The dog’s owners said the saddest part is watching the dog wear a mask and try to lick his own balls. [Story h/t to Michael P.]

Donald Trump plans to force meat processing plants to reopen with new restrictions to protect workers. Trump said he’ll require the hogs to line up six feet apart.

Kim Kardashian has accepted the ‘All In Challenge’ – it’s her biggest All-In Challenge since filming one with Ray J.

ABC reporter Will Reeve went viral for delivering an on-air report for Good Morning America fully dressed above the waist, but wearing no pants. In the morning news business, this is what’s known as a ‘Kathie Lee Gifford’.

The United States now has its 1 Millionth Coronavirus patient, but they were coughing too much to notice all the prizes they won.

An asteroid a mile wide will pass by Earth on April 29th but will not collide with it due to interstellar distancing.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver a virtual Commencement Address via Facebook on May 15th, but Las Vegas casinos are refusing to pay off million-to-one prop bets that Oprah would speak at the University of Phoenix graduation.

By |

Philadelphia said city students without Internet access can do “remote learning” via wifi in parking lots, leading to a rash of kids stealing cars for school.

The FDA approved the first at-home tests for COVID-19, but there’s still a three-month wait for the at-home chemistry set you need to process it.

During a test run of its virtual NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals first-overall pick was delayed 2 1/2 minutes. The Bengals notified Commissioner Goodell, who said their call was important to him, and please stay on the line for the next available representative.

Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp advised residents to maintain social distancing, but also reopened hair & nail salons. This followed Georgia Tech’s successful demonstration of six-foot-long scissors.

Upright Citizens Brigade closed its theater and training center in New York. Founders launched the first-ever Don’t Fund Me so performers can continue to not get paid.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy visited the Wildwood shore boardwalk to survey storm damage. He may declare it a disaster area, then return when tourists arrive in summer to declare it an even bigger disaster area.

Still no confirmation from North Korea regarding Kim Jong Un’s condition. At first a  spokesperson said “He’s unwell.” – then corrected themself to say “Un? He’s well.”

Reacting to the pandemic’s effect on people of color, a McDonald’s in Guangzhou, China temporarily banned black customers – then remembered they never had any.

Congress approved $484 billion in aid for small businesses and hospitals, an undisclosed amount of which has already been claimed by Trump 19th Hole Urgent Care.

Online booze sales increased 400% in April, leading to hundreds of UPS driver and mailman DUIs.

By |

Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.

By |

Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

By |

The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.