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1 in 10 teens worldwide have used over-the-counter diet pills or another ineffective weight loss method. The other 9 are good at using photo filters on their phone.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are parting ways after 24 seasons. This decision is killing owner Robert Kraft, who was hoping for a happy ending.

Chris Christie is ending his Presidential campaign. Christie had plenty of money for campaign ads, but the cost of jet fuel and catering crippled his budget.

GOP candidate Nikki Haley said people in their 20s should expect to work into their 70s because she’d raise the qualifying age for Social Security. Americans in their 20s took this to mean they get the next 40 or 50 years off.

Dead comedian George Carlin was ‘brought back to life’ in a new special generated by artificial intelligence. A new Larry the Cable Guy special is also planned, generated by an authentic lack of intelligence.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced a zero-alcohol version, De-Clawed.

The National Football League announced which teams will play international games next season. The Jacksonville Jaguars filed a formal objection to the league’s plans to their scheduled home game in Gaza.

Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear on ESPN’s The Pat McAfee Show for the foreseeable future. In order to dial down the controversy, Rodgers’ regularly-scheduled segment on Tuesdays will now feature InfoWars Alex Jones.

Amy Schumer shared a ‘racy’ topless selfie with “40 extra pounds”. No word on what other comedian she took the 40 pounds from.

Gen Z’ers are going on social media to say they’re “resetting” their virginity. Boomers are saying they already did it years ago.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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Recent reexamination of early human hunter-gatherer societies conclude that women were active hunters, not just men. Although hunts including women took a lot longer to get started.

NATO allies are expected to approve the inclusion of Sweden – adding that nation’s powerful navy, and unequalled world-class Bikini Team.

Amazon Prime Day kicked off, with two days worth of deals on July 11th & 12th, followed by three days of record-breaking delivery driver heat strokes July 13/14/15.

Viral video shows four scantily-clad women having a spontaneous brawl inside the Wynn Las Vegas hotel. Security eventually broke it up, and the Wynn convinced the women to sign up for three more fights.

A new, damaging ransomware program called Big Head is being spread to PCs via a bogus Windows Update process. Experts say you can tell the Windows Update isn’t real because it takes less than an hour.

Donald Trump is asking for his classified documents felony trial to take place after the 2024 presidential election. And after his felony trial in New York for hush money payments. And after the felony trial he’ll probably have for the fake electors scheme. And after he dies.

Sega of America employees voted to unionize – pissing off thousands of kids now that Sonic the Hedgehog will only chase rings eight hours a day, with multiple mandatory half-hour breaks.

2019 All-Star Chicago White Sox pitcher Lucas Giolito announced that his wife Ariana Dubelko filed for divorce. Giolito has a four-seam fastball, curve, and change-up; Dubelko throws an effective splitter.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a guide to help determine whether published articles or academic works were generated by Artificial Intelligence. The guide was generated using artificial intelligence .

Psychologists advise people who are “bad” at flirting to use a ‘Triangle Method’ – looking at your desired woman or man’s one eye, then the mouth, then the other eye. Repeat until it works, or until the pepper spray kicks in.

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A jury found Donald Trump liable for the sexual assault & defamation of E. Jean Carroll, awarding Carroll $5 million in damages. They could not find Trump liable of rape. Trump reacted to the decision, calling it a “full & complete exoneration”.

In the wake of his sexual assault judgment, Trump will appear in a live CNN Town Hall meeting with registered Republican voters, who are expected to grill him with tough questions about his golf scores.

Mayim Bialik sitcom ‘Call Me Kat‘ was not renewed by Fox, who Call It Kancelled.

Congressman George Santos was arrested and charged with multiple felonies including wire fraud and money laundering. Santos said he’ll respond to the charges at a news conference with his attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Ousted Fox News host Tucker Carlson said he’ll relaunch his show on Twitter, once he convinces the My Pillow Guy to pay his $8/month for verification.

The Westminster Kennel Club awarded Best In Show honors to a petit basset griffon Vendeen named Buddy Holly. The dog then wisely refused to fly to the next dog show with runners up, chihuahua Ritchie Valens and Great Dane Big Bopper.

The NFL will broadcast its first-ever Black Friday game on the day after Thanksgiving, as the New York Jets host the Miami Dolphins. The first 10,000 fans will receive a free 75-inch HDTV, so the game can replicate the trampling experience of a Walmart.

A co-founder of artificial intelligence lab Deepmind says AI will create a ‘serious number of losers’ in the job market. Asked how many losers, he said “more than all the fast food workers combined.”

A Kansas man was pulled over and arrested for DUI while wearing a Bud Light can costume. He failed a field sobriety test when he couldn’t close his eyes and touch his pull tab.

Britney Spears is again causing concern, with rumors that she drinks caffeinated beverages ‘by the gallon’ and stays awake for days on end. She was captured ordering a triple espresso and telling the barista to ‘hit me baby, ten more times’.

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David Gordon Green, director of horror reboot ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween Kills’, says the story of the final film in the trilogy will begin with a huge time jump. The film is titled ‘Independence Day‘.

The vehicle of a woman missing for 20 years, who’d left a note saying she was going to drive into the Ohio River, was found in the Ohio River. Officials have not located or identified her body, but are already saying she could have been more specific.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil fell off the stage at a Tennessee music festival, breaking his ribs. His fans wondered if he could ever sing again, then remembered he couldn’t sing before the accident.

Facebook disputes recent reports that its artificial intelligence can’t consistently detect hate speech or violence. They countered by providing evidence of thousands of accounts suspended for telling other users to go duck themselves.

A California woman visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas discovered a 4-carat yellow diamond – and is now engaged to the coyote who gave it to her.

A meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in British Columbia, Canada, landing on a woman’s bed at 11:45 pm, missing her by inches, and wrecking the chances of the guy in bed next to her.

NASA is studying ways to build a wifi network on the moon in the hope of improving broadband availability on Earth. Unfortunately, Comcastronauts have missed two straight installation appointments.

Sean Penn’s wife, Leila George, filed for divorce from Penn after one year of marriage. Seems like it was just yesterday that he was punching the wedding photographer.

Synthetic chemicals called phthalates, found in thousands of consumer products, may be responsible for premature deaths of Americans aged 55 to 64, leading to the immediate recall of new Strawberry Phthalate Metamucil.

Bill Clinton was released from the hospital after treatment for a urinary tract infection, so female nurses are allowed to work on his floor again.

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Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

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A new company is using Artificial Intelligence to help bartenders determine who to serve next in a crowded bar. The AI identifies which customer has the largest breasts.

In India, a 7-year-old boy underwent a procedure to have 526 teeth removed from his jaw…and boy is his bully’s arm tired.

A man speaking into his Apple Watch helped first responders locate him in the rubble of his collapsed house. It’s believed to be the first time anyone moved closer to a douchebag talking into their Apple Watch.

The CrossFit Games wrapped up over the weekend in Madison Wisconsin. Wisconsin dairy farmers want to know when they’re getting their goddamned tractor tires back.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at his Kentucky home and fractured his shoulder. He was transported to a local hospital, where doctors took x-rays to rule out an injury to his backbone, before determining that he doesn’t have one.

A man in Spain was arrested after filming a video throwing a refrigerator off of a cliff. He was ordered by police to haul the refrigerator back up, and was ordered by his wife to clean out the rotten produce drawer.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released its list of unhealthiest foods from chain restaurants. Their worst offender is Sonic’s Oreo Peanut Butter Master Shake, which has 1,700 calories, and, they claim, is like eating 15 Oreos with a cup of lard. A Sonic spokesperson clarified that the cup of lard costs extra.

Egyptian officials say that King Tut’s coffin is in “very bad condition”, adding “and that’s just the outside.”

The author of a viral post claims to have found a hot dog that tastes like steak. They discovered it by trying the steak at Golden Corral.

The Philadelphia Phillies are suing the company that created their Phillie Phanatic mascot to keep it from working for other teams.  Agents for the Phanatic want more money, and say the Phillies are already paying millions to other guys in Phillies jerseys who can’t hit or pitch.

 

 

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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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OpenAI -a non-profit artificial intelligence company – has created a text generator that’s so good, they consider it too dangerous to release. They tested by having 50 women ask if they looked good in a dress; it was able to give 50 different versions of ‘no’ that still left the women happy.

Bill Gates says that bovine flatulence – cow farts – are a dangerous contributor to climate change. The problem is not only with the methane gas, but with the millions of matches lit by cows to cover it up.

Hundreds of people traveling via British airline Flybmi are stranded after it suddenly went out of business. Flybmi still holds a comfortable lead over Frontier and Spirit in customer satisfaction.

Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations – former ‘Fox & Friends’ host & State Department spokesperson Heather Nauert – withdrew from consideration. She allegedly hired an undocumented nanny who failed to file tax returns. Nauert said she will build a wall around her yard to keep it from happening again.

Valerie Gonzalez, 32, was escorted off of a JetBlue flight from Florida to Las Vegas after a profane tirade about being seated next to a three-year-old following a day of drinking. FAA investigators are questioning JetBlue about how she got in the cockpit.

Radar Online reports Khloe Kardashian and baby daddy Tristan Thompson split, 10 months after video emerged of Thompson with other women. The split comes five months in to the NBA season, which translates to about 50 more hookups for Thompson.

The U.S. Copyright Office rejected Alfonso Ribeiro’s attempt to register his Carlton Dance from  ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. They now take on their most challenging case ever, the copyright request for the Pop & Lock by the estate of dead ‘What’s Happening’ actor Fred ‘Rerun’ Berry.

Payless is closing all 2,100 U.S. stores – so expect your cheap-ass Mom to load up on sneakers your friends will make fun of.

Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner was released from federal prison and must register as a sex offender. Weiner must live in a halfway house or home confinement, while his sexting and Tinder hookups are supervised by government employees.

NASCAR’s Daytona 500 took place Sunday, marking the beginning of Redneck New Year.