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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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Harrison Ford injured his shoulder rehearsing a fight scene for the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. Short Round’s jaw was unhurt.

The new CEO of Southwest Airlines said they’ll continue their policy of no fees for checked bags or ticket changes, saying they have dozens of other ways to piss off passengers.

Original Beach Boys member Mike Love said one of their classic love songs was inspired by a jar of honey in a cabinet. It was Beebara Ann.

MTV is reviving VH1’s ‘Behind The Music’, with episodes devoted to Duran Duran, New Kids On The Block, Ricky Martin, and others. An executive producer for the show said “for the last time, Color Me Badd, NO one cares”.

Britney Spears appeared in court via Zoom, asking a judge to end her conservatorship and allow her to manage her own money, since she’s mentally stable and mature. Spears testified for 20 minutes, the first 15 talking to a toaster oven.

Fast food restaurants are deemphasizing dollar menus, and pushing higher-priced burgers and ‘family meals’. Although so far, demand has been slow for McDonald’s 1000-piece McNuggets box.

The delta variant of COVID-19 has a new mutation called ‘delta plus’. It’s like the standard delta variant, only with more legroom.

Joe Biden nominated Cindy McCain to a United Nations post to combat global hunger. He then nominated Meghan McCain to bring Resting Bitch Face to women in third-world countries.

Google delayed its Chrome browser cookie-blocking privacy plan by 2 years, saying it needs more time to steal the personal information of people born in the next 2 years.

John McAfee, antivirus software mogul, was found dead of an apparent suicide in a Spanish jail before he was extradited to the U.S. to face tax evasion charges. Next to his body were 12 notes reading “WARNING! Your protection has expired!”

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The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

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Lin-Manuel Miranda apologized for failing to cast dark-skinned Afro-Latino actors in his hit movie ‘In The Heights’, but added “come on, Aaron Burr was pretty black in Hamilton..”

Philadelphia is innovating to solve its two problems of illegal ATVs & dirt bikes, and uncollected trash, by building garbage ramps for illegal ATVs & dirt bikes to jump over.

Sotheby’s will auction the 9,555 lines of source code that formed the basis for the World Wide Web. It will also sell the performance review of the person who wrote it, where their boss gave them an overall grade of ‘Needs Improvement’.

AMC Networks is premiering ‘Kevin Can F**k Himself’, a send-up of the ‘awkward husband’ sitcom format, named after production assistants favorite phrase on the set of defunct Kevin James show ‘Kevin Can Wait’.

Rihanna’s Fenty fashion line debuted new leggings with an open-weave crisscross pattern that exposes the wearer’s butt crack. Rihanna explained that she likes to wear leggings, but needed a place to hold her phone.

The Chief of the Bank of England warns that rising adoption of cryptocurrency attracts criminal activity. Then he announced that the Bank of England will accept overdraft penalty fees in Bitcoin.

A proposed documentary on the career of Jim Varney is seeking crowdfunding, ‘Ernest Goes To Kickstarter’.

Actor/comedian Rob Riggle is accusing his estranged wife Tiffany of installing a spy camera in his office to hear conversations with his girlfriend. Tiffany is believed to be the only person in America who wants to see & hear more from Rob Riggle.

Some Americans were infected with COVID-19 as early as December, 2019. They’re believed to be the Hello Fresh customers who ordered the Cheesy Pangolin Casserole.

Producers of the Harley Quinn animated series on HBO Max were forced to delete a scene depicting Batman performing oral sex on Catwoman – as well as an additional scene where she returns the favor and coughs up a hairball.

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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

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Governors of Florida & Texas are battling cruise lines over their vaccine rules, arguing that a COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t protect passengers against the hundreds of other gross viruses lurking on cruise ships.

The highly contagious Delta variant of COVID-19 is on the rise in the U.S. As is the Southwest, where you pick your own variant, and the Spirit, where you pay $49 for the virus.

Kristen Messner, wife of former Fleetwood Mac vocalist/guitarist Lindsey Buckingham, filed for divorce. She’s already auditioning new frontmen.

A 22-year-old Pennsylvania man is charged with wire fraud after impersonating Donald Trump’s brother and son to collect $25,000 in donations. Donald Trump is so impressed with the guy’s ability to get money from suckers that he may adopt him.

A McDonald’s customer is claiming the company’s test of voice & facial recognition technology when ordering violates privacy laws. That, and he’s insulted when he’s recognized and offered “so, the usual fifty McNuggets and three large fries?”

El Salvador is the first country to accept Bitcoin as legal tender, believing it will Be easier for drug dealers pay their federal income taxes.

Tomorrow, the Ring Of Fire solar eclipse will be partially visible in the United States. As the moon goes down and the sun gets higher. But use eye protection or your retinas will burn, burn, burn…from the Ring of Fire…the Ring of Fire.

A California man is considered “lucky to be alive” after being stuck for two days inside a barn fan at a Sonoma farm. Authorities were alerted by cows who called to complain about the smell.

France is sending the U.S. a “little sister” to the original Statue of Liberty. The bronze statue is 1/16th the size of the original, and will be used for toilet training hatchling pigeons and seagulls.

Sherwin Williams is raising paint prices 7%, citing pandemic-related shortages, due to more Americans buying paint just to watch it dry.

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Facebook states Russia is the ‘King of Disinformation’ on their platform – at least until Donald Trump’s ban is reviewed again in five months.

Stanford University reversed its decision to drop 11 sports – including sailing, rowing, fencing and field hockey – after determining they could pull in about $20 million from celebrities trying to get their kids on the teams.

Joe Biden asked intelligence agencies to redouble their efforts to determine the origin of COVID-19, so CIA interrogators are turning up the heat on bats & pangolins.

Facebook & Instagram will now let users hide likes on posts, assuming, that is, you’re getting any.

New research claims the maximum human life span is 150 years old, since humans over 120 lack any ability to heal themselves. They determined this by beating up a bunch of 120-year-olds.

Ohio announced the first results of its Vax-A-Million COVID-19 vaccination lottery. A woman won a million dollars, a teen boy won a full-ride college scholarship, and dozens were hospitalized after getting multiple extra vaccines using fake names.

Tens of thousands of residents are fleeing the Congolese city of Goma, as experts warned the Mount Nyiragongo volcano could erupt again. The experts are all students in the Goma Junior High science fair.

Google made it easier to transfer emailed photos, introducing a new ‘Save To Photos’ button in Gmail. They’re planning to expand the function to unwanted harrassing photos, with a ‘Send To Police’ button.

A viral video shows two bees collaborating to open the screw cap on a bottle of Fanta orange soda – then angrily stinging the person it belongs to when they realize it’s sugar-free.

A Philadelphia 76ers fan dumped popcorn on Washington Wizards’ Russell Westbrook in last night’s NBA playoff game. If identified, the fan’s punishment will be to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey with his jaw wired shut in a lousy seat at an upcoming Philadelphia Eagles home game.

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Actress Leah Remini, 50, shared her acceptance letter into a general studies program at NYU. Her ‘King Of Queens’ costar, Kevin James, shared the letter adding him to the waitlist at Strayer University.

Amazon is shutting down its Prime Now service, and moving its “ultrafast” premium deliveries to its regular Prime. So go ahead and order those necessities that you absolutely have to have in about five days.

Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott announced they’re back together as a couple, but in an ‘open relationship’ – also known as Parents With Benefits.

Kim Kardashian revealed on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that her daughter, Saint, had COVID-19, which surprised Kim because Saint wears an avocado mask most mornings.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry debuted their new Apple+ show, ‘The Me You Can’t See’ – where celebrities discuss mental health challenges and traumas that can only be properly addressed by a guy born into royal wealth and a billionaire.

The driver of a Japanese bullet train is in trouble for taking a three minute bathroom break while the train traveled at 90 mph with 160 passengers on board. He said he only did so after trying to piss out a window, but it kept blowing back onto him.

A new Utah law mandates autism awareness training for police officers. Cops are now required to identify non-violent suspects as autistic before shooting and pummeling them.

Investigators added a new name to the subpoena in the probe of Congressman Matt Gaetz. However, for privacy purposes, the person is only identified as ‘Knockers’.

A future bride’s demands to her bridesmaids – including dropping dress sizes to at least a size 8, and donating $500 for the honeymoon – went viral. The groomsmen only demanded that the bridesmaids drop their dresses after the reception.

A judge in Spain refused to marry a couple when the groom arrived for the ceremony wearing a Jack Sparrow costume. And because he was drunk. And Johnny Depp.

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A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

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Protesters object to a planned wind turbine farm off the coast of Atlantic City. They say the turbines will harm ocean life; proponents claim that wind power will somehow create even more blow jobs for Atlantic City.

A sixth grader completed a science fair project called “Does your cat’s butthole really touch all the surfaces in your house?” by applying lipstick to two cats’ rectums and tracking them. The kid got an ‘A’, but his mom’s goodnight kiss with her date was a disappointment.

The City of Philadelphia lifted some restrictions on outdoor dining and other activities, giving gangs even more stuff to shoot at.

To battle diseases, Florida will release over 100,000 genetically-engineered non-biting male mosquitoes, so they’ll mate with biting females, with female offspring unable to survive. They’ll measure success by observing mosquito gender-reveal parties.

Meat processing brand Farmer John no longer makes Dodger Dogs, the official hot dog of the Los Angeles Dodgers. The team now sells ‘Traditional Dodger Dogs’, and every vendor and concession stand lost a Michelin star.

Boeing posted their sixth consecutive quarterly loss, telling angry shareholders that profits are dropping faster than a 737MAX.

Caitlyn Jenner’s sons are reportedly unhappy about her announced run for Governor of California. Jenner said she didn’t plan to run for Governor, but did so because her original plan to retire & get pregnant didn’t work out.

NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter snapped a photo of the Perseverance rover while it flew on Mars. Then Perseverance made it go back and take three more and pick a flattering filter.

Pfizer’s CEO says an antiviral pill to treat COVID-19 could be available by the end of the year. They just need to figure out how patients on ventilators can swallow it.

Kanye West told the New York Post’s Page Six that, after his divorce from Kim Kardashian, he wants his next relationship to be with “an artist and a creative person”. So, not just any stripper.