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Australian scientists warn against “bare bottom farting” due to potential spread of aerosolized feces containing coronavirus. Their claim was made from the most unpleasant research laboratory in the country. [story h/t to J.O.]

The United States is monitoring intelligence that Kim Jong Un is in severely failing health following surgery. North Korea’s state news agency reported the firing squad death of the country’s top liposuction doctor.

Officials from Disney World have joined a Florida task force to reopen the state economy. The benefit of their participation is in question, since they aren’t allowed to speak and can only pose for pictures.

A woman in a wheelchair is suing Disney World, saying she was injured on the park’s ‘Frozen’ ride – claiming she’s now Frozen stiff.

The Buffalo Bills are one of three NFL teams holding virtual workouts for draft prospects. The prospects call the virtual workouts “the best way to visit Buffalo”.

Tom Brady was asked to leave a closed public park in Tampa where he was exercising. Tampa police thanked anonymous tipster “Bill B” for the video surveillance.

A Texas emergency room doctor is self-quarantining in his kids’ backyard treehouse. So far, a dozen patients died because he couldn’t be reached via the tin can with a string on it.

Some concert goers are mad because they hold tickets to concerts designated as “postponed” instead of “cancelled”, so they can’t get refunds. “I need that money for chicken nuggets and juice boxes, goddamnit” said a Wiggles fan.

Senior citizens collecting Social Security via direct deposit can expect to see their government stimulus money this week, followed by their first-ever video calls from grandchildren asking to borrow it.

An animal sancutary in California lets companies pay for farm animals to join video business meetings. Workers say the animals’ presence is relaxing, and three separate goats say they’ve been offered executive positions at cable & internet companies. [story h/t to E.K.]

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The IRS will move the tax filing deadline to July 15, giving cash-strapped Americans an extra 90 days to come up with phony dependents.

Tom Brady officially signed a two-year deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Florida Man whines about being unnecessarily hit by others.

The Federal Government released details of its coronavirus stimulus package, with married couples earning under $150,000 receiving $2,400 …worth of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Gamestop stores are remaining open because they say they’re “essential retail”, adding how essential it is for customers to get that 25 cents trading in Mario Kart 8.

A new study suggests digestive issues can be the first sign of COVID-19, but admitted it’s hard to isolate the viral effects of Chinese study subjects because many of them also ate at KFC.

A group of anti-Trump conservatives, Republicans For The Rule Of Law, released a new ad compiling the misleading statements from Donald Trump regarding coronavirus. The ad is unique in that it’s funded by Republicans, and that it’s 45 minutes long.

Scientists claim the novel coronavirus can live for up to three days on plastic or rubber surfaces – the exception being Crocs, which even the coronavirus wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Officials claim Princess Cruises had a much higher-than-average percentage of illness, even before the coronavirus outbreak. The statistics followed Princess ships Grand Princess, Diamond Princess, and Taco Bell Princess.

National Institute of Health Director Francis Collins said the U.S. best approach for halting the spread of coronavirus is one most Americans would find “too extreme”. Asked by a reporter what he meant, Collins shot the reporter.

Dental medicine chain Dental Express is under fire for performing unnecessary procedures to boost bills, with one woman claiming they performed 7 root canals on her 3-year-old. Dental Express defended the procedures, saying if they didn’t do something, his teeth would have all fallen out in a few years.

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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Apple announced a ban on all coronavirus-and-quarantine themed games submitted to the App Store, including Pokemon Stay.

The NFL Players Association approved a new collective bargaining agreement, which adds a 17th regular season game. The 17th game was needed so the Jacksonville Jaguars could play one home game in Florida, instead of London or Mexico.

The White House doctor stated Donald Trump tested negative for coronavirus, but still received a penicillin shot for some other stuff he found.

While Major League Baseball is on hiatus, PBS stations will air Ken Burns documentary series ‘Baseball’ to ensure everyone still has a way to stay bored.

Comcast announced it will not overcharge customers for internet usage while they quarantine for coronavirus. A spokesperson said the move toward not gouging customers required Comcast to retrain every employee.

Dozens of states have closed schools for weeks. In response, bullies announced they’re tripling staff to beat up all of the newly home-schooled kids.

West Virginia is now the only U.S. state without a confirmed case of COVID-19, but doctors admit it’s tougher to diagnose in lungs coated with coal dust.

Boeing reached a deal with Spirit Airlines to restart production on its 737-MAX jets –so now people can save money when they die.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio halted visits to New York City prisons during the coronavirus outbreak. Casting was halted on Weinstein Productions latest film.

Gumby’s Pizza in State College, Pennsylvania was shut down for using a food preparation table as a bed to ink tattoos. Since the tattoos now won’t be done in a half-hour, they’re free.

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Donald and Melania Trump filed official paperwork to change their state of residence from New York to Florida. Meanwhile, Barron arrived home after school to an empty apartment.

The Tulsa Remote program offers $10,000 grants to remote and digital workers who move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The only requirements are that you be 18 or older, have a full-time job, and have given up on your dreams.

Washington Redskins player Trent Williams said he had a tumor removed from his skull, against the advice of team doctors who said he should avoid surgeries and wait for the concussions to shrink it.

Chick-fil-A apologized for an email sent to customers promoting National Sandwich Day, which falls on Sunday, when Chick-fil-A is closed. They also apologized for using email, which they believe is a tool of the devil.

Today is World Vegan Day. Restaurants are offering free vegan items to customers who want to try the food they insult people for eating.

Google is acquring Fitbit. Google’s Assistant is considering quitting instead of answering “How Many Steps Have I Taken?” for the zillionth time.

Kohl’s announced their Black Friday deals early – to the delight of everyone looking for a Mom Jeans Doorbuster.

Over 500 Dressbarn stores began their going-out-of-business discounts . All sales – and the dumpy, dateless look that goes with ’em – are final.

3M Company announced the teen winners of its Young Scientist Challenge. First place went to the inventor of a new liquid bandage; second place to the designer of a magnet-powered commuter railway, and thousands of Honorable Mentions to volcanoes.

A couple made an ‘Alien’-inspired short film as a gender reveal, with pink streamers popping out of the mom’s abdomen to say it’s a girl. The sequel will take place when the girl emerges from her lower abdomen via c-section.

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A former Drexel University professor spent $189,000 in federal grant money at Philadelphia strip clubs and sports bars. He was fired, but not before submitting his final research paper, ‘How $189,000 Will Still Not Get You Laid At Strip Clubs’. [story h/t to A.O.]

A 44-year-old woman gymnast from Uzbekistan is waiting to see if she qualifies for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics. If her scores are good enough, then she waits to see if her fiber supplement is taken off the banned substances list.

Toys R Us is partnering with Target to launch a new toy shopping website. Since Toys R Us has no physical stores, toddlers and other small children are adjusting to throwing temper tantrums in front of a laptop or tablet.

Victoria’s Secret hired its first plus-size lingerie model, size 14 Ali Tate-Cutler. Cutler will model lingerie made in larger sizes, featuring the first bras and panties with pockets for snacks.

Ellen Degeneres is facing criticism for attending a Dallas Cowboys game with former President George W. Bush, including the risk of crashing Twitter under a tsunami of “Ellen likes Bush” jokes.

The Centers for Disease Control warned an American Airlines flight attendant may have exposed passengers to Hepatitis A – creating the fifth-most severe health risk faced by passengers on American Airlines flights.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz said that the Trump Impeachment Inquiry is a “Kangaroo Court” and that Democrat Adam Schiff is leading it like a “malicious Captain Kangaroo”. Said Captain Kangaroo from beyond the grave “I didn’t know I was a Congressman.”

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reportedly broke up because she wanted a second child together, and he did not want a seventh child.

Major League Baseball is sponsoring a Junior Home Run Derby, so kids can have another way to disappoint their Dads outside of Little League.

Rob Gronkowski is joining Fox Sports as an NFL Football analyst – to the delight of viewers who think halftime and postgame highlights shows are just too darned complicated.

 

 

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A Florida woman said lightning struck her septic tank and exploded her toilet. That’s her story, anyway.

An octopus attacked a Tacoma woman while she posed for a photo. The octopus was charged with sucking her face without consent.

Conde Nast Traveler published a how-to guide for purchasing a bereavement fare from a domestic airline. Step One? Kill somebody.

Oakland Raiders wideout Antonio Brown, dealing with a foot injury, reportedly suffered severe frostbite while using a cryotherapy machine. “Been there!” said a hiker reading the news while freezing to death on Mt Everest.

Travel rewards site The Points Guy named San Diego as the U.S.’ best airport. Orlando was the second-worst, meaning one of the Saddest Places on Earth is the gateway to the Happiest Place On Earth.

Jennifer Lopez shared a photo of an outfit she wears in concert, which fully exposes one of her buttocks. If you want to see all of her big ass, take a picture of Alex Rodriguez.

Lady Gaga told Allure magazine that she wants to have “tons of kids” – and to prove it, she’s sewing all kinds of weird outfits in newborn sizes.

FedEx is ending its contract to deliver packages with Amazon, saying they’ll no longer offer three-day delivery of shipments you paid to have delivered in one day.

An Ohio woman is suing a fertility clinic, claiming her embryo from a 1994 in vitro procedure was fertilized with a stranger’s sperm. As proof, she provided a DNA report that showed a 0% match for her husband, and a close match for the security guard at the clinic’s sperm bank.

Apple and drug maker Eli Lilly are partnering to determine if iPhones and Apple Watches can detect early signs of dementia. One sign may be an elderly person buying an iPhone or Apple Watch and forgetting to bother at least a dozen people showing it off.

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.

 

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A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.