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The Nobel Prize was awarded to three quantum physicists who explained particles’ “spooky behavior at a distance”. The recipients: Drs Velma, Shaggy & Daphne, determined it was really Old Man Jefferson trying to collect insurance money from his abandoned particle farm.

Kanye West wore a ‘White Lives Matter’ shirt at a surprise Yeezy Fashion Show, which also doubled as the first Trump rally held in Paris.

The Lake Erie Walleye fishing tournament disqualified two entrants when judges found lead weights in fish they’d caught. The fishermen unsuccessfully argued they’d caught the fish after an underwater gunfight between rival schools.

Jeffrey Dahmer was known to wear bright yellow-colored contact lenses, to emulate both Star Wars‘ Emperor Palpatine and a murderer in the film Exorcist III. This confused his mother, who thought he had too many kidneys in his diet.

The broken Nord Stream gas pipeline beneath the Baltic Sea was repaired, but over 500,000 gallons of methane had escaped. The government of Denmark called in experts in massive methane discharge – dairy farmers, and workers who clean the restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike.

A man carrying a pink smoke bomb ran on to the playing field during Monday night’s Rams/49ers game, and was leveled by Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner. The man has entered the NFL’s concussion and multiple-fractured-vertebrae protocols.

Hilaria Baldwin shared a photo with husband Alec and their seven children together. “Great shot!” said their friends, which is something Alec hasn’t heard in a while.

The BET Hip-Hop Awards will be held Tuesday night. Producers say they’ll leave a couple of spots in the show’s In Memoriam segment open just in case someone gets shot on the red carpet.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate Herschel Walker, who is ‘pro-life’, allegedly paid for a girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. Walker denies the claim, adding that it was 13 years and 20 abortions ago.

Sources claim Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have hired divorce lawyers, adding that Brady has already activated several lingerie models from his practice squad.

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A Pennsylvania man was arrested for masturbating on his front porch after meeting a new female neighbor and inviting her to use his new massage chair. He was arrested and jailed. Ironically, the woman wants to try the chair now that the guy isn’t around. [Story h/t to M.L.!]

Lung cancer screenings are now encouraged for all ex-smokers over 55. Lead times for screenings are a bit lengthy, so smoke em if you still got em.

Ashlee Simpson joined Demi Lovato onstage at Lovato’s concert in Los Angeles – until Demi Lovato realized she was there and had her removed by security.

Pennsylvania Republican candidate for governor Doug Mastriano vowed to eliminate pole dancing in schools if elected – potentially forcing Philadelphia City Schools to make significant changes to middle & high school Career Days.

Lena Dunham tweeted that she wants her casket driven through the New York City Pride Parade. Parade organizers said they’ll make it happen next year if she promises to do her part.

Kim Kardashian was fined $1.26 million by the Securities & Exchange Commission for plugging EMAX cryptocurrency on her Instagram account, without revealing she was paid $250,000 to do so. Kardashian said the hardest part was finding the EMAX to take a picture of it.

Bros – the first gay romantic comedy released in theaters by a major studio – bombed, earning just $4.8 million. Moviegoers said if they wanted to watch gay guys flirt for 90 minutes, they could save the twelve bucks and go to the gym.

A man died after a fall from a stadium escalator following Sunday’s Pittsburgh Steelers home game. Since the Steelers lost to the New York Jets, suicide has not been ruled out.

Conservative commenter Megyn Kelly said on her podcast that she objects to women like Jennifer Lopez and Shakira “showing their ‘vag’ at the Super Bowl”. Thousands of conservative male podcast subscribers are now kicking themselves for not watching it.

A large potbellied pig has been wandering in an Alabama neighborhood for weeks. The pig has so far evaded multiple capture attempts, while at the same time fielding multiple marriage proposals.

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Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.

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Coolio died unexpectedly at age 59, allegedly from a heart attack in the bathroom. This marks the first time anyone ever compared Coolio to Elvis Presley.

Hurricane Ian delivered devastating winds and storm surge, crippling entire cities on the Gulf Coast. This surprised many, since a Florida Man typically only injures himself and maybe a couple of others.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may move their Sunday home game against Kansas City due to hurricane damage. Tom Brady refused to criticize Hurricane Ian, since he’s always been a big fan of low-pressure systems.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, filed for divorce from her second husband, Dan Jewett, after less than two years of marriage, citing not enough Prime Days.

Netflix removed the LGBTQ content tag from docudrama ‘Dahmer: Monster – The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’ following complaints from the community – specifically, the homophobic cannibal community.

Maryna Moroz is the first woman UFC fighter to be featured as a Playboy Centerfold – inducing men looking at her pictures into chokeholds.

Queen Elizabeth II’s death certificate was released to the public, with her cause of death officially listed as ‘Old Age’. Although the coroner took the unusual step of adding ‘but all those dry-ass scones didn’t help’.

Khloe Kardashian stated after an MRI scan that she suffered ‘brain trauma’ from Tristan Thompson’s cheating. Other doctors disagreed with the cause, saying it was headboard-impact trauma from Thompson and several other NBA players.

An unruly fan was removed from a Washington Nationals baseball game after fighting three ushers. His ejection resulted in a box score adjustment to change the official attendance from 83 to 82.

A New York City resident asked on Reddit how to get rid of the smell of a rotting corpse from an adjacent apartment that was impacting his. Suggestions including baking soda, cooking dry coffee grounds, and buying his neighbor a bigger freezer for Christmas.

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The White House wants to put nutrition labels on the front of food packages. An Oscar Mayer spokesperson said they’re fine doing so with Lunchables, since it would only require printing the word “None”.

Rachel Dolezal now has an Only Fans page. She’s offering a ‘2-for-1, Buy White Nudes, Get Black Nudes Free’ deal.

Finance company Citigroup named Grant Carson to lead its operations in Russia. Carson said it’s always been a dream of his to meet Britney Griner.

Actress Lili Reinhart said she struggled with body dysmorphia while filming the latest season of Riverdale – constantly worrying that she didn’t have big enough Jugheads.

Oregon State University’s bipedal robot, ‘Cassie’, established a new world record for the 100-meter dash in 24.73 seconds, but then was disqualified for giving a sample of synthetic motor oil.

‘Blonde‘, a fictional Marilyn Monroe biopic, is the first Netflix movie to get an NC-17 rating. Teenage boys will have to decide whether it’s worth their time, or if they should just stick with free online porn.

Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Myles Garrett suffered no serious injury in a single-vehicle car wreck. The Las Vegas Raiders are dealing with several injuries after their season began with an 0-3 train wreck.

University of California-affiliated colleges are struggling to find affordable housing for students, since they’re located in some of the most expensive markets in the state. Dumpy-looking students living in dorms are now not only able to hook up for months on end, but collect cheap rent.

M&Ms introduced the new Purple M&M cartoon character to its lineup. It’s an entirely new female character, not the Red M&M choking the Green one.

Scientists are concerned about a new super-STD, M.gen, that won’t go away regardless of treatment. They’re calling it the Madonna virus.

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Hilaria Baldwin said she’s dealing with “mama guilt” after she and husband Alec welcomed a 7th child together, concerned about spending enough time with each of them. Alec is dealing with “papa guilt” – a potential involuntary manslaughter conviction.

Megan Thee Stallion created a website that lists mental health resources for her fans. Although she points out it’s not for people crazy about big tits and asses.

Hurricane Ian struck Cuba and is making its way toward the Gulf Coast. The bad news is potential destruction; the good news is the fast currents will deliver rafts of illegal immigrants to Florida shores several hours early.

Black actress KiKi Layne said she and fellow person-of-color actor Ari’el Stachel had significant roles in the new film Don’t Worry Darling, but much of their work was cut. Director Olivia Wilde said she saved the footage for a possible sequel, Don’t Worry Shawty.

The cousin of one of Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims is angry at the Netflix dramatization of Dahmer’s killings, saying it’s dredged up painful memories, or ‘cannibal reflux’.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney signed an executive order banning guns in Philly recreation spaces. Players will have to figure out a new way to punish the losing team in pickup basketball games.

800 competitors entered Florida’s Python Hunt – a months-long effort to rid the Everglades of invasive Burmese pythons. No word on how it’s going, other than the competitors list is down to 792 since the pythons won some battles.

Dr. Umberto Tozzi, a cosmetic surgeon specializing in vaginal reconstruction, or labiaplasty, explained to NeedToKnow Online why he’s performed over 300 of the surgeries – his 50% off coupons.

Families of children are warring with Pickleball players who set up DIY courts in New York City playgrounds, interfering with their kids space and playtime. Pickleballers are fighting back to regain their turf by joining the PickleCrips.

Newly-activated Russian soldiers from Vladimir Putin’s draft are immediately surrendering to their Ukrainian counterparts after deployment. It’s so bad, Emmanuel Macron issued a statement denying that France is training the Russian army.

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A blast from the undersea volcano Hunga Tonga-Hunga Ha’apai dispersed enough gas & vapor to warm the earth for several months. Environmental scientists equated the impact to the entire world eating a Cheesy Beef Gordita Supreme.

James Earl Jones retired from voicing Darth Vader. Going forward, Darth Vader will become the first evil Imperial Lord of the Sith to communicate using American Sign Language.

Grateful Dead spinoff group Dead & Co announced the Summer 2023 tour will be their last. After that they’ll just be Dead.

Sir Elton John performed on the South Lawn of The White House on Friday, then was “flabbergasted” by President Biden presenting him the National Humanities Medal. Elton was already flabbergasted by Biden singing all the words to ‘The Bitch Is Back’.

Tyler Perry responded to criticism from other black leaders – including Spike Lee – that his Madea character perpetuates negative black stereotypes. ‘Madea Halloween III: Madea Addresses Negative Black Stereotypes‘ opens Friday.

Rihanna will headline the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Her partner & baby daddy A$AP Rocky awaits trial on assault with a deadly weapon, and hopes to avoid being named headliner of the Prison Recreation Yard Talent Show.

A Tik Tok influencer shared the story of having sex with the Best Man at her father’s wedding. Or, as she called it, the Sugar Daddy/Daughter Dance.

A new study by New Mexico researchers links penis size to personality, stating men with larger penises are ‘more outgoing’. The researchers shared their findings after watching movies where men with large penises had little trouble meeting, and interacting with, women with large breasts.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis gave an update on preparations for the arrival of Hurricane Ian. He’s working with storm chasers to see if he can fly it to the coast of Massachusetts.

Comedian Rob O’Reilly was fired by Carnival Cruises for using the N-word during his performances on the ship. Passengers said his racist language was the third or fourth thing on their cruise that made them sick.

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Alabama called off an execution because they had trouble finding a vein in the prisoner for lethal injection. They rescheduled the execution after they had no trouble finding bullets.

Boeing agreed to pay $200 million for misleading the public about the safety of the 737 Max jet following two fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019. Spirit Airlines faces similar fines for misleading its passengers when promising a pleasant travel experience.

A man was arrested for punching an American Airlines flight attendant in the back of the head on a flight from Mexico to Los Angeles. The flight attendant will be evaluated for head injuries, and may miss work until he can once again demonstrate how seat belts work.

Philadelphia police warned that carjackers are attacking more suburban areas, since they need SUVs and minivans to carpool with other carjackers.

Authorities in Montgomery County, Texas arrested one of their own police officers in an undercover prostitution sting at a local hotel. He was fired, and no one believed his story that he, himself, was undercover as a guy carrying condoms looking for the ice machine.

Only Fans model Valentina Belucci said she gets paid for looking at photos of men’s penises and writing her ‘review’ of them. Although she said it takes a while to get paid by their health insurance.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The NFL announced that Apple Music is the new sponsor, adding that it “couldn’t think of a more appropriate partner” to write billion-dollar checks for ten minutes of forgettable entertainment.

Convicted murderer and cannibal Mark Latunski said he killed and ate a hairdresser named Kevin Bacon – but admitted even he wouldn’t eat liver and Bacon.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, currently facing allegations of sex with a minor, announced he’ll start streaming on Twitch. Gaetz said it’s just one of the ways to view him, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and photos sent to 17-year-olds.

The Boston Celtics suspended head coach Ime Udoka for a consensual sexual relationship with a member of the team’s staff. However, the NBA reassured groupies that they’re still free to engage in sex with the staffs of married players.

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The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

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Kanye West said he’s never read a book. For once, the world readily believes him.

Woody Allen said he has no intention of retiring. Coincidentally, Hollywood financiers said they have no intention of giving him any more money to make movies.

WNBA stars are opting not to spend their offseason playing basketball in Russia, citing the invasion of Ukraine and the imprisonment of Britney Griner. They say it’s a difficult decision because of the money, and the number of attractive Russian women.

Sources say Google’s new Apple Watch competitor, the Pixel Watch, will be priced at $349 at launch – and $199 when it’s on clearance six months later.

Peloton added a $3,195 rowing machine to its lineup of fitness equipment, so the bike you’ve stopped using doesn’t get lonely.

A new social media challenge has teenagers cooking chicken in Nyquil. Despite sending dozens of teens to the hospital, KFC is now offering Nyquil as a dipping sauce.

A Jack In The Box employee fired gunshots at a drive-thru customer following an argument over curly fries. The employee missed, but then the customer pulled up to the second window and was hit.

An Italian man tested positive for COVID-19, monkeypox and HIV all in the same day. He told his recent sex partners “I think you should get tested…and tested..and tested.”

A nurse on Only Fans says she was fired because co-workers were watching her adult content while on the job. But now she knows why doctors were bringing their laptops in to the operating room.

A 27-year-old man in India shoved an 8-inch can of deodorant in to his rectum, where it remained for three weeks until doctors removed it. They were able to lubricate the area with the contents of a can of shaving cream he’d also shoved up there.