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Netflix is planning to open ‘Netflix House’ brick & mortar locations, to create “everyday experiences for their most watched programming”. They’ll contain a theater, food, and a Netflix & Chill room that guys can rent for $200 an hour.

The Pittsburgh Penguins announced that their Jaromir Jagr Bobblehead giveaway night is postponed because they were all stolen in transit. Collectors who bought tickets are shaking their heads.

IKEA announced they’re aggressively cutting prices on hundreds of items. They want to help relieve the stress on budgets, and put the stress on relationships when men & women team up to put the furniture together.

Vice President Kamala Harris will visit an abortion clinic in Minnesota, but has already gotten unanimous ‘no’s from patients when Harris’ reps ask if they want to take a photo with her.

Apparel maker Fanatics is being dragged for its Major League Baseball uniform pants, now being made from synthetic so sheer that they’re being called see-through. Ball girls wearing the pants in MLB parks are giving foul balls to kids, and their dads are tucking dollar bills in the girls’ waistbands.

A new study finds cardiovascular and isometric exercises to be the best for reducing blood pressure. Doing them somewhere far away from your family lowers blood pressure even further.

Adidas posted a significant multimillion dollar quarterly loss as it liquidates inventory of Yeezy shoes in the wake of parting with Kanye West over his antisemitism. Betting big on a new shoe line with MC Hammer didn’t help the bottom line, either.

Independent candidate for president Robert F. Kennedy Jr is considering making New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers his running mate. Rodgers will likely pass.

A Kellogg’s shareholder claims Froot Loops cereal is still being made with ‘harmful dyes’ despite the company’s claim that they’re removing them. The shareholder then produced a photo of spokesbird Toucan Sam who’s lost most of his feathers to cancer.

A Florida woman was arrested outside of an H&R Block attempting to sell her child for $500. She was arrested, but is waiting on the “maybes” from customers who didn’t know if they were getting a tax refund.

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1 in 10 teens worldwide have used over-the-counter diet pills or another ineffective weight loss method. The other 9 are good at using photo filters on their phone.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are parting ways after 24 seasons. This decision is killing owner Robert Kraft, who was hoping for a happy ending.

Chris Christie is ending his Presidential campaign. Christie had plenty of money for campaign ads, but the cost of jet fuel and catering crippled his budget.

GOP candidate Nikki Haley said people in their 20s should expect to work into their 70s because she’d raise the qualifying age for Social Security. Americans in their 20s took this to mean they get the next 40 or 50 years off.

Dead comedian George Carlin was ‘brought back to life’ in a new special generated by artificial intelligence. A new Larry the Cable Guy special is also planned, generated by an authentic lack of intelligence.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced a zero-alcohol version, De-Clawed.

The National Football League announced which teams will play international games next season. The Jacksonville Jaguars filed a formal objection to the league’s plans to their scheduled home game in Gaza.

Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear on ESPN’s The Pat McAfee Show for the foreseeable future. In order to dial down the controversy, Rodgers’ regularly-scheduled segment on Tuesdays will now feature InfoWars Alex Jones.

Amy Schumer shared a ‘racy’ topless selfie with “40 extra pounds”. No word on what other comedian she took the 40 pounds from.

Gen Z’ers are going on social media to say they’re “resetting” their virginity. Boomers are saying they already did it years ago.

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Clinton Ellis-Gilmore, 53, a drag queen and member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – a drag group that performed at Dodger Stadium on Pride Night – was arrested after publicly masturbating in broad daylight at a park. An LA Dodgers spokesperson said they regret that this happened during his 7th Inning solo performance of Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher will return to air despite there being no resolution to the Writers Guild strike. His first guests will be a few Republicans and Drew Barrymore.

Captured fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly told police he planned to carjack someone and flee to Canada…adding “and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling scent-dogs! “

At the trial where she was found guilty of murdering seven babies, prosecutors produced notes where British nurse Lucy Letby wrote “I am evil. I did this”. Investigators found the notes in her one-star Care.com profile.

“The night is darkest before the dawn. And I will rise yet again” said New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who will miss the entire NFL season with a torn Achilles tendon, but who apparently plans to spend the year as Batman.

Viral video shows a 14-foot alligator swimming toward a Girl Scout troop in a Texas lake. All but one of the girls received ‘Avoiding Alligators In A Lake’ merit badges.

A judge ruled that Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis cannot try Donald Trump and 16 co-defendants together in their election fraud trial. Apparently the AirBnb they booked for an October trial limits groups to 6 or less.

U.S. airlines are reportedly planning to slash travel prices this autumn – but they’re also planning to triple cancellations, so it all ought to balance out for them.

An iPhone was reportedly hidden to take images in the first-class bathroom of an American Airlines flight used by a family, including a 14-year-old girl. The family is suing the airline, and is also angry that American was selling the photos to exiting passengers like they do at roller coasters.

A Florida high school principal said she was forced out after an in-school assembly on improving academic performance that only included black students. She disputed the allegation, saying the assembly focused on improving the football and basketball teams.

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Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

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Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

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Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.

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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

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Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.