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Spirits maker Diageo and ‘Diddy’ ended their partnership after he accused them of marketing his Ciroc vodka and DeLeon tequila as “urban” brands. Diageo denied the claims, then shared a recipe mixing Ciroc & Colt 45 malt liquor as a ‘Diddypolitan’.

Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce reportedly said “f… my life!” every time the team ran their famous ‘tush push’ short-yardage play. Quarterback Chase Young of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers said it before every play and practice.

A woman named Samantha Hart claims that her employer changes their email address protocol of first initial/last name to avoid the accidentally vulgar ‘shart@…’ prefix. She requested they just add a number so it’s ‘shart#2@…’

People with index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to be psychopaths. Just ask them to let go of the knife before you get a good look at their hands.

Kate, Princess of Wales, is expected to be hospitalized up to two weeks following abdominal surgery to remove several of the late Queen Elizabeth II’s famous scones that have been stuck there for years.

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai warned staff that more layoffs are coming. It’s so bad, Google AI bots are sending out resumes.

Kanye West reportedly spent $850,000 to have his teeth removed and replaced with titanium dentures. He then paid Procter & Gamble $1 million to develop mint-flavored Dawn dish detergent so he could brush them.

3M began issuing payments after losing a $6 billion judgment over its combat earplugs not working. Injured soldiers would be happy to hear this news if they could.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that head coach Mike McCarthy would return next season, despite the team’s blowout playoff loss to Green Bay. Asked to explain his decision, Jones stated “Belichick said no.”

A passenger on a budget airline was stuck in the jet’s bathroom for the duration of a flight because the lock broke. The passenger received an apology from the crew, but the passengers in the last rows next to the bathroom were the ones who really suffered.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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An American Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing after a bird strike set an engine on fire. Passengers deplaned and were treated to a hot lunch of roast goose before boarding a new aircraft.

Fox News parted ways with Tucker Carlson. He’s rumored to be in discussions with Comedy Central to host The Other Daily Show For Assholes.

CNN fired Don Lemon, who apparently isn’t in his prime, either.

Joe Biden officially declared his candidacy for reelection in 2023, then was corrected to 2024.

Disney’s massive layoffs of over 7,000 people have hit ESPN. The cable network was forced to lay off the WNBA.

The New York Jets acquired quarterback Aaron Rodgers from the Green Bay Packers. Rodgers is expected to report just as soon as he finds a 4-bedroom 3-bath rental house for $2,500/month like he had in Wisconsin.

E. Jean Carroll’s sexual assault trial against Donald Trump starts Tuesday, with Carroll’s lawyers making opening arguments, and Trump’s lawyers asking for clarification which sexual assault of his this is about.

Amazon Pet Day – the retailer’s two-day sale – is underway. They recommend opting for the express shipping so your purchase arrives alive.

OnlyFans model Courtney Tilia, a former teacher and married mother of four, said she’s a Christian porn star. “Oh my god” is what her subscribers say when they watch her have sex.

An intervention for former ‘Jackass’ star and addict Bam Margera failed earlier this month, according to a participant. It didn’t help that friends asked Margera to return to rehab while shooting him in the balls with rubber bullets.

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Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers returned from his self-described four-day “darkness retreat” as rumors swirl around a trade. This is different from his recent 31-day darkness retreat – living in a Green Bay apartment all of January.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled over 2 million Cosori air fryers because they can overheat and catch fire. Owners are advsed to return the units, or keep them if you like your chicken wings well-done.

Jesse Armstrong, creator of HBO hit series ‘Succession‘, announced Season 4 will be its last. Several assistant producers are currently battling to see who will run the sequel.

Cocaine Bear – a fictionalized account of a bear that ingests cocaine dumped by smugglers – premieres in theaters today. Also premiering is ‘Cocaine Bare’ – Donald Trump Jr doing a new YouTube video in the nude.

For the first time in 15 years, the American Academy of Pediatrics released guidelines for dealing with childhood obesity. Shockingly, replacing french fries with apple slices in Happy Meals isn’t cutting it.

A regulatory group ruled Miller Coors ads can’t say rival light beers “taste like water” because there’s no proof of the claim. In the same opinion, they ruled companies are allowed to make a provable claim that all U.S. light beers “taste like piss”.

Expecting mom Rihanna will perform her nominated song ‘Lift Me Up’ at the 2023 Oscars. It’s expected to be even lower-energy than her Super Bowl halftime show, so she’ll also say “Lift Me Up” from her chair after she’s finished singing it.

A U.K. fire chief banned the term “fireman” because it’s sexist. He then appeared at a 5th grade Career Day, where he heard from kids who want to be combustion extinguishers when they grow up.

A Mar a Lago visitor claims Donald Trump is “DJ-ing” at the club every Thursday night, playing songs from his iPad. Members are happy to see him, but say it’s not easy dancing to Camptown Races and God Bless The USA.

In a viral TikTok video, a woman who claims to have a “low waste” home says she makes “reusable toilet paper” out of old pajamas. Of the ten friends her daughter invited to a sleepover, she’s received ten “No”s.

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Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

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Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.

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A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

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Washington D.C. police investigated a possible explosive device in a pickup truck near the Library of Congress. Police were called after librarians repeatedly tried and failed to shush the truck.

More than 50 U.S. Senators called on President Biden to expedite the exit of U.S. citizens and allies from Afghanistan. Asked if they’d like to go there and help, they replied, “nah, we’re good”.

California’s Caldor wildfire became the largest U.S. wildfire named after a defunct discount department store.

Alex Rodriguez posed with the Porsche he gifted to ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez on her 50th birthday. Rodriguez reportedly removed the ‘J-Lo’ license plates and seat covers, and Ben Affleck’s condoms from the glove box.

Facebook introduced Horizon Workrooms, a virtual reality meeting app using Oculus Quest VR headsets, where coworkers can create avatars, use virtual whiteboards, and safely picture each other naked.

MS Paint received its first update in over a decade, as Microsoft attempts to appeal to a new generation of users seeking to draw penises and breasts on internet photos.

A JetBlue passenger was fined $45,000 for throwing his carry on at passengers, lying in the aisle, and putting his head up the skirt of a flight attendant – who he’s now dating.

Retired NFL QB Brett Favre is telling parents to hold their kids out of full-contact tackle football until they’re 14, to avoid brain damage while they’re still developing. Favre wants to ensure kid’s brains function well enough to remember which women they sent dick pics to.

The Green Bay Packers showed off a new alternate uniform, inspired by the look the team sported in the 1950s, and further inspired by the desire to make money.

Astronomers discovered a previously undetected feature of the Milky Way galaxy – a rest area featuring a Roy Rogers.

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Florida Governor Ron Desantis blamed the state’s surging COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations on immigrants. “Technically, we’re from Louisiana” said the immigrants.

Donald Trump is planning to sell gold-plated ‘Trump Cards’ to supporters on his mailing list. It’s unclear what benefit the cards provide, although there’s speculation they earn points at the prison stores where January 6th rioters are jailed.

Bill Gates said it was a “huge mistake” spending time with Jeffrey Epstein, adding how embarrassed he was when underage girls would laugh when he tried giving them Zunes as gifts.

Meghan Markle turned 40, earning the new title Duchess Cougar of Sussex.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards is reportedly in advanced negotiations to become the game show’s permanent host, after his failed tryout for quarterback at Green Bay Packers camp.

Hawaii plans to limit the number of tourists to the island of Oahu. “Mahalo” now means “thanks for staying away”.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said he’ll be unavailable to join the group on their fall tour, leaving the band scrambling to find an 80-year-old drum machine to fill in.

Both Chevrolet and Hyundai issued massive recalls to replace batteries on electric vehicles – or, in some cases, just rotate them 180 degrees so the + and – line up.

New research claims people spend over 50% of their time not being ‘in the moment’. The number increases to 98% while they’re having sex and imagining someone else.

Richard Trumka, President of labor union AFL-CIO, passed away at age 72. His burial is scheduled for whenever the concrete pilings are poured for the next big football stadium that gets built.

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New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.