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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.

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Indianapolis Museum of Art President Charles Venable resigned, after writing an insensitive job description for a new Director to “maintain their traditional, core, white art audience”. Residents of Indianapolis responded “.. we have an art museum?”

Tim Tebow is retiring from professional baseball after playing five seasons in the minor leagues. He plans to start a family with his wife once they figure out where babies come from.

Disneyland reopened the former Rainforest Cafe, vacant since 2018, as a Star Wars store. It’s been open several days, and park police have already arrested several Sand People for stealing droids.

Amidst power outages and freezing temperatures in Texas, Senator Ted Cruz was blasted for traveling to Cancun, Mexic – giving Texas; other Senator, John Cornyn, the distraction he needed to drive to Ft. Lauderdale and judge a wet t-shirt contest.

Facing proposed laws requiring social media platforms to pay news sites, Facebook blocked Australians from posting news articles. So good luck finding those cute baby kangaroo photos.

Gwyneth Paltrow said she is recovering from COVID-19, and still has symptoms like ‘brain fog’ and fatigue. However, she’s hopeful the healing jade egg she sells on Goop for $300 to stick in your vagina will work as advertised.

Rush Limbaugh died Wednesday, on ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ Day. “You’re welcome” said God.

A newlywed couple in South Korea were shocked to learn the Grand Josun Hotel sauna’s mirrored wall let other guests see them naked from the outside. Guests who paid to look in the sauna were shocked there wasn’t a better-looking couple in it.

Fourteen people in a Philadelphia suburb were arrested for illegally distributing 31 guns. Cops call it illegal firearms trafficking, defendants called it the best ‘Secret Santa’ ever.

Demi Lovato said she suffered three strokes, a heart attack and vision loss following a drug overdose. She also said her music has surged in popularity among nursing home residents, since they have so much in common.

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Donald Trump issued a pardon for Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted for illegally voting. He extended the pardon for Anthony appearing on dollar coins that he confused with a quarter, and for not being all that hot looking.

The Ellen Degeneres Show told three executive producers to be kind to one another, and that they’re fired.

Prosecutors seek prison time for Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli after their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. Their attorney counters they’ve suffered enough, having sold their $18 million mansion and moved into a $9 million one.

Fans are petitioning Disneyland to rename the resort’s Carnation Cafe to honor the cook who worked there for decades and retired. The petition asks that the eatery be renamed the Carnation Cafe Microwave.

An LAX passenger service agent rated celebrities she’s assisted. Robert Pattinson, Dakota Johnson & others received high marks. Receiving a 2-out-of-10 was Nicki Minaj, who refused to deplane until it was empty. Minaj said she didn’t refuse, her ass was stuck between the armrests.

Baghdad recorded its highest temperature ever on Tuesday, 125.2 degrees. It’s so bad, suicide bombers are strapping themselves to air conditioners.

Vanity Fair magazine published a first-person account of Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet, saying it was straight out of the 70s, with red velour and beds everywhere. And for every trip, flight attendants had to stock it with all-new Barbie dolls.

Virginia’s Department of Health released COVIDWISE – the first COVID-19 exposure app for smartphones. Your profile pic has to to be of you either wearing a mask or a ventilator.

The Great American Outdoors Act authorizes $900 million per year to improve national park facilities – and $4 billion per year to fix the smell in national park restrooms.

A 61-year-old Utah man threw his wife into a river after they argued over dinner plans. After his arrest on assault charges, she looked at his wet clothes and asked “that’s what you’re wearing?”

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Disney World’s Epcot Center issued a rabies alert for a feral cat on the property, last seen trying to hunt down and bite the head off of Minnie Mouse.

  • Asked to describe the cat, officials called it “bored, like everyone else at Epcot.”

Oceanographers discovered a jellyfish the size of a human. If it stings you, everyone at the beach has to urinate on the wound for you to survive.

Four Australian children, aged 10 to 14, stole a car and went on a 600-mile joyride. It ended in a fistfight when they grew tired of asking each other if they were there yet.

Britain’s Royal Family attended the U.K. premiere of Disney’s new adaptation of ‘The Lion King’, then bowed and curtsied before Beyoncé who knighted them “Kinda Cool for White People”.

A new study found the Fitbit Surge had the most accurate calorie-burning measurement of fitness trackers, with a 25% error rate. Other devices had higher error rates, up to 93%, because their owners took them off and bashed them with a hammer.

A 30-year-old Northeast Philadelphia woman was arrested for DUI on the Jersey Shore, then bit the arresting officer on the leg. The cop accepted blame for leaving a slice of pizza in his lap.

Hundreds of large land crabs invaded Florida neighborhoods near Port St. Lucie following heavy rains. Residents called animal control to say they had crabs, and animal control referred them to their doctor.

A 58-year-old man in Los Angeles’ richest neighborhood of Bel-Air was arrested for possessing over 1,000 firearms. Cops didn’t believe his explanation that he was Joe Wick, John’s brother.

After an undercover visit to view Disneyland working conditions, Disney heiress Abigail Disney slammed the company for low worker pay, with some telling her they have to forage through garbage for food. “Yeah, but it’s kinda fun” said Pluto.

IKEA is shutting down its only U.S. factory in Danville, Virginia. Workers were informed with a four-panel instructional drawing showing them picking up their final check and driving home.

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Amazon is reportedly interested in acquiring Boost Mobile, in an effort to expand its relationships to more people with lousy credit.

A university study from Italy finds Twitter usage not only limits intellectual attainment, it undermines it. Their findings are being held up while they determine how to thread them in 280-character segments.

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed five government officials as punishment for a failed summit with Donald Trump, and is having a hell of a time getting someone to plan his kid’s birthday party.

Uber is investigating cases of “vomit fraud”, where drivers charge an extra $80-150 cleaning fee when vomiting never happened, or where passengers claim the dog riding with them took care of it.

A senior official for Nepal’s tourism department said they’re considering changes to limit crowding on Mount Everest, including requiring climbing experience, and letting climbers wait their turn at a new Starbucks.

Cher tweeted Donald Trump should be sexually assaulted in prison. Meanwhile, white-collar prisoners said they’d probably leave a 70-year-old alone, unless they got paid $130,000 to deny it happened.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. Tragedy struck as two womp rats bullseyed by a T-16 Skyhopper turned out to be Chip & Dale, killing them both.

Tinder launched a new feature, Super Boost, which, for added fees, puts premium users in front of a list of profiles shown to possible matches for a half-hour. If that doesn’t work, there’s Super Duper Boost, which is a prostitute.

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor “blew out” his left testicle while practicing high notes. His right testicle was blown out by a VIP ticket holder after the show.

A blind autistic boy wowed the judges of America’s Got Talent with a moving piano/vocal performance, leading parents to go ahead and get their kids piano lessons and vaccines.

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“Nobody disobeys my orders.” said President Trump, unironically, as the Easter Bunny showed up a day late for a children’s egg-rolling party Monday at the White House.

The TSA is being criticized for airport scanners giving ‘false positive’ responses to black women’s hair, forcing TSA agents to perform hand searches of afros, braids & twists. Separately, Homeland Security has stepped up efforts to thwart explosive devices packed with Jheri Curl activator.

An East St. Louis police officer pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was late for a job interview at FedEx. Instead of issuing tickets, the officer gave him a ride to his interview. The young man got the job, and the cop agreed to meet him later to beat him.

CNN aired a five-hour Democratic Presidential Candidate Town Hall session featuring five candidates: Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders & Pete Buttigieg. The town hall was filled up with the remaining dozens of Democratic presidential candidates.

A USA Today investigation revealed multiple patients died at discount plastic surgery clinics in Florida operated by convicted felons. Worse, the failed Brazilian Butt Lifts they received required them to get taller caskets.

Disneyland is limiting opening day visits to the new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge exhibits to four hours —  unless, of course, you Force them to let you stay longer.

300 teens were involved in a massive brawl at the Camp Snoopy section at Worlds Of Fun theme park in Kansas City, Missouri. Police officers were unable to make arrests until the dust settled once a fist-swinging Pigpen was handcuffed.

You’ll be able to return Amazon packages to any Kohl’s store starting in July. For the next two months, experienced Amazon workers will be training Kohl’s employees how to deactivate their large intestine and urinate in bottles.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft claim Florida police have already leaked the video of Kraft receiving sex acts at a massage parlor, adding that Robert Kraft Leaks is also the title of the video.

A 1,500-year-old chunk of fossilized human poop unearthed in Texas contains evidence that a hunter-gatherer consumed an entire rattlesnake, fangs included. Next to it, they found a note chiseled on a rock suggesting they try something different for dinner tomorrow.

 

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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.